I've never been someone to be over dramatic. I was not one of those girls growing up that would hear gossip and immediately get defensive. I live a very "to each his own" lifestyle, and for this reason I've been incredibly lucky to never have to deal with much drama. My friend group rocks. My family rocks. And I thought that my relationship rocked, too.
But right now I'm angry. And hurt. And angry, and hurt; it is a vicious cycle. And while I started this blog as a way to keep everyone at home updated about my trip, I've also been using it as a sort-of diary for myself. I'm not trying to air my dirty laundry on social media, because personally I believe that doing that is the lowest of the low and downright immature. But at the same time I promised myself that I would keep this blog updated, and while in last week's post I thought that I wouldn't have much to say, I am eating my words.
Sometimes shitty people do shitty things. And sometimes not shitty people do shitty things. I'm still trying to figure out which one you are, because I have never met someone who would do what you did to someone they love. I have never met someone who could go from telling someone they loved them one minute, to ending things with them twenty-one hours later. I have never met someone who could lie to the person that they love for weeks and act like nothing had changed. And I've never met someone that would break up with their girlfriend of four years, via text, while she is alone in Europe.
When I first got to Milan I was so desperately homesick that I had to have a very tearful conversation with my dad about not coming home. I missed everything about home so much that all I could do was cry. But Franktardo, being the genius that he is, talked me down, and I still think about his words when I start to miss my dog, or my or my mom, or just the comfort of my own bed.
He reminded me that I came to Europe as a means of self-discovery, and he was right. I am a romantic at heart, and I came here with the idealistic expectations that I would "find myself." And this is true, I can see how much I've grown just from rereading my journal from my first few days here. After this conversation I had a revelation that the homesickness that I was feeling was just fright. I wasn't desperately missing my mom, dad and boyfriend as much as just anticipating how much I would miss them in the future. But at some point, this feeling went away. I no longer felt the need to text my mom every night, or call my dad crying in the middle of the work day. But there was one thing that didn't change, and that was how much I wanted to share this experience with my now "ex."
I have been dumped before, so this isn't new to me. And while I thought that I would never have to deal with this again, I am confident now more than ever that I am going to pull through this a much stronger and more resilient person. Being alone in Europe has led to a lot of self-growth, and being put in this situation is only going to require that I open my heart to more.
I want you to know that while you're home, drinking whiskey with your high school friends, I'm going to be working this out by traveling around the world. For every shot that you take, I am going to be visiting a different European landmark that most people only dream of. For every shot you take, I am going to become a little bit more cultured and in more way than one. And for every shot you take, I am going to have learned a lot more about this world, and myself, than you are going to learn in your entire life. Just like I got over the initial hurdle of missing my parents, I am going to get over the initial hurdle of missing you.
Does writing this post make me immature and melodramatic? Maybe. And maybe this is just angry me posting this, and in a few hours hurt me will have second thoughts and take this down. Or maybe I'll just edit this post to reflect how I'm feeling at different times, because God knows my mood changed with every other paragraph. All I really know right now is that I felt like I needed to get this out there, as it is undoubtedly going to impact the way I write my future posts.
Also, I couldn't be in a better place for some retail therapy, and the middle finger emoji couldn't have been released at a more perfect time.
But right now I'm angry. And hurt. And angry, and hurt; it is a vicious cycle. And while I started this blog as a way to keep everyone at home updated about my trip, I've also been using it as a sort-of diary for myself. I'm not trying to air my dirty laundry on social media, because personally I believe that doing that is the lowest of the low and downright immature. But at the same time I promised myself that I would keep this blog updated, and while in last week's post I thought that I wouldn't have much to say, I am eating my words.
Sometimes shitty people do shitty things. And sometimes not shitty people do shitty things. I'm still trying to figure out which one you are, because I have never met someone who would do what you did to someone they love. I have never met someone who could go from telling someone they loved them one minute, to ending things with them twenty-one hours later. I have never met someone who could lie to the person that they love for weeks and act like nothing had changed. And I've never met someone that would break up with their girlfriend of four years, via text, while she is alone in Europe.
When I first got to Milan I was so desperately homesick that I had to have a very tearful conversation with my dad about not coming home. I missed everything about home so much that all I could do was cry. But Franktardo, being the genius that he is, talked me down, and I still think about his words when I start to miss my dog, or my or my mom, or just the comfort of my own bed.
He reminded me that I came to Europe as a means of self-discovery, and he was right. I am a romantic at heart, and I came here with the idealistic expectations that I would "find myself." And this is true, I can see how much I've grown just from rereading my journal from my first few days here. After this conversation I had a revelation that the homesickness that I was feeling was just fright. I wasn't desperately missing my mom, dad and boyfriend as much as just anticipating how much I would miss them in the future. But at some point, this feeling went away. I no longer felt the need to text my mom every night, or call my dad crying in the middle of the work day. But there was one thing that didn't change, and that was how much I wanted to share this experience with my now "ex."
I have been dumped before, so this isn't new to me. And while I thought that I would never have to deal with this again, I am confident now more than ever that I am going to pull through this a much stronger and more resilient person. Being alone in Europe has led to a lot of self-growth, and being put in this situation is only going to require that I open my heart to more.
I want you to know that while you're home, drinking whiskey with your high school friends, I'm going to be working this out by traveling around the world. For every shot that you take, I am going to be visiting a different European landmark that most people only dream of. For every shot you take, I am going to become a little bit more cultured and in more way than one. And for every shot you take, I am going to have learned a lot more about this world, and myself, than you are going to learn in your entire life. Just like I got over the initial hurdle of missing my parents, I am going to get over the initial hurdle of missing you.
Does writing this post make me immature and melodramatic? Maybe. And maybe this is just angry me posting this, and in a few hours hurt me will have second thoughts and take this down. Or maybe I'll just edit this post to reflect how I'm feeling at different times, because God knows my mood changed with every other paragraph. All I really know right now is that I felt like I needed to get this out there, as it is undoubtedly going to impact the way I write my future posts.
Also, I couldn't be in a better place for some retail therapy, and the middle finger emoji couldn't have been released at a more perfect time.